It Started With The Jumpsuit
by jounin1280
Summary: Short oneshots written about the members within Akatsuki. With Itachi, Sasori, Diedara, Zetsu, and coming soon: Tobi. Disclaimer: don't own
1. New Clothes

You'd think that being in the Akatsuki would mean being quiet, mysterious, and always wearing the uniform. Well, Deidara was just a _TAD_ different.

He wasn't exactly quiet. He was when he needed to be but, besides that, not really. He was fairly mysterious, he supposed. To people who didn't know him anyway.

But, there was one thing that set him apart from many of the other members. He didn't like the uniform. To him it was just plain dorky! Well, what was under the cloak anyway. A jumpsuit? I mean Come on! The pants made him look like he was wearing high heels, the shirt didn't have sleeves, and it bunched up in unpleasant areas. The whole thing was entirely wrong! 1)

So, today when Deidara got a mission to blend in with the people at a sight they were getting ready to attack, he spent no time at all in running to the nearest clothing store. There was no way in Hell he was going outside in just that thing.

Two fights and some ice cream later, he finally had what he was looking for.

A simple, white shirt, with a blue collar and sleeves that were also completely blue except for two white stripes. Complete with an extremely loose tie, baggy, blue pants, and to top it all off, a hat. That was blue also.

As Diedara took down his hair from the ponytail he wore, he walked to the door to close it. Freeing his blond locks from their hold he locked the door. Of course, if a member really wanted to come inside his room, the lock wouldn't delay them for so much as a second. Locking the door was more like putting a 'do not disturb' sign over the doorknob.

He quickly changed in to the clothes, the whole while praying no one would burst into his room. It had happened before.

Finally, Deidara was done putting the clothes on. He looked into a floor length mirror every member had in their room. Until this day he had always wondered why they bothered putting in mirrors, now he was grateful for it.

"The shirt was a little tighter than he thought it would be but everything else was fine. He had to admit. He looked **_GOOD_**. Now all that was left was to see what the other members thought.

'This'll be fun...'

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**Ello peoples uh, well, I've started my second Naruto fanfic. so this is the first chapter. Reveiw if you like it or even if you don't like it plez. Okay, about the last sentence for those of you who are confused, I don't think Deidara is gay, I think he wanted to see how many of the members were gay, so, yea. If you have any ideas for another chapter post in the reviews plez. (I need some inspiration) 1) that really is what they wear under their cloaks. I had to stare at a picture from the manga to figure that out.**


	2. A Battle Not Wanted

**Chapter Two**

He blinked wiping the sweat from his brow. He had never lost before, he couldn't lose now. It just wasn't possible! If he moved anywhere he would be killed. A trap, that's all you could call it. He had to move thought. If he didn't, he was dead, too. Itachi smiled from in front of his partner.

"Move, Kisame." Itachi never smiled. Never. But he was about to beat Kisame after his boasts. He was now moving in for the kill.

Kisame moved but was faced with one of the clones that he had seen around him so much. Itachi began to move now. He made one of the clones knock into Kisame, making him fall to the ground. Kisame usually injoyed a good battle, butthis was on he wish he had thought about before trying anything. This was the great Uchiha Prodigy for cripes' sake! Why of all people did he have to pick him?Why not Deidara, or Sasori?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kisame shouted. Itachi had beat him. The Uchiha just stared at his partner.

"Kisame, dude, it's just CHESS!"

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**HA! did I fool you? I'm havin fun with this! well, anyway, REVIEW!**  



	3. The Gift

**This chapter is dedicated to PlushKittie, and SuicidalKitsune! YOU GUYS ROCK! SERIOUSLY! I have to find a way to say thank you. Makes me wish you guys would read my other story. That one's not getting very many reviews. That one's harder to write too. But THANK YOU!**

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Chapter Three

Deidara walked by the gathering place where most of the members were hanging out, drinking a little and having a smoke to celebrate the success of their latest mission. But the Stone shinobi had more important matters at hand. Like the package in his hand.

It was wrapped in blue paper and tied off with a bow. Deidara snickered under his breath as he imagined what his face would look like when he tore off the wrapping paper.

The blond turned down several more halls towards where all the rooms for sleeping were. When he reached a certain one he stopped dead in his tracks. Looking at the doorknob he could tell it was locked. Deidara smirked. 'All the more fun' he thought.

He gave the doorknob a littl jiggle and it opened without so much as a sound. He stepped inside and heard the shower running. He smirked again and sat cross-legged on the bed and took his cloak off, laying it next to him. As he waited for the Akatsuki member to step out of the shower he looked at the pictures on the night stand. They were of family and happier times. Suddenly Deidara heard a click of the shower door as the Uchiha Prodigy stepped into the room. Wearing nothing But a pair of plaid flannel pajama bottoms. A towel was laying over his head as he dried his hair.

"What do you want Deidara?" he said seriously. The blond shrugged, handing him the package. Itachi raised an yebrow, but took the package anyway.

In a second it was unwrapped. And Itachi's expression was better than Deidara could have hoped for. It was a mix between disgust and humor. Then sadly, the look died away and turn serious as Itachi turned the present around, holding it up.

"Am I supposed to wear this?" Seidara had gotten Itachi a shirt, the standard Uchiha clan garb complete with the clan symbol. It was just a tad different. Instead of the fan ending like a rectangle, it ended i an arrow, that poited to his crotch. And in big, white letters the shirt said: 'Only YOU can revive my clan'.

Deidara shrugged and ran out of the room, closely folloed by Itachi who as yelling something about burning his new gift.

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**HA! T-shirt was not my idea.**

**copyright:Duneboo of deviantart **


	4. Video Games

Itachi was bored. **VERY** bored. There were no missions to do, no people to terrorize, and no little brothers to beat up. Yeah, it was a pretty slow day.

Itachi was so bored, he decided to do something that he had sworn to all the Akatsuki, would melt your brain.

**HE TURNED ON THE TV.**

He held the remote in his hand and went channel surfing. It was to bad that the only thing the Uchiha prodigy saw only proved his brain melting point further. On one channel there was nothing but insane cartoons, the kind where the main character's too dumb to figure anything out. On another talking heads, another, love scenes. Just things the Uchiha would rather not watch. That was about the time his gaze shifted over to the controller next to him. This controller was connected to a cord, which was inturn connected with a gameing system, then the TV, the wall, the cables, and so on and so forth. But that didn't go through Itachi's head. His thoughts stopped with the gaming system.

It was Kisame's. The giant shark was usually the one who got bored, so he bought it for himself. But for now the wheels in his head were turning.

The Uchiha ever so slowly reached toward the controller when...

"ITACHI-SAN!" From around the corner rushed the shark man himself. Wearing nothing but his jumpsuit. Itachi quickly withdrew his hand. "Have you seen my cloak?" Itachi shook his head, so Kisame took his leave. Again Itachi slowly reached his hand out for the controller, but...

"You're sure?" Itachi nodded and rolled his eyes as Kisame took his leave once again. Itachi again moved his hand towards the controller.

"Itachi?" Diedara burst into the room and Itachi withdrew his hand. "Have you seen Sasori?" Itachi shook his head and Diedara left.

This time Itachi looked around the room before reaching towards the controller. But, like he predicted, in walked Sasori.

"Was Diedara looking for me?" Itachi nodded and Sasori left.

After that, Itachi waited for at least a minute before trying to grab the controller, but right before his fingertips touched it, the door flew open.

"buuuurrpp Hey, did I miss anything?" Zetsu asked. Itachi gave a frustrated groan as he headed to his room.

The moral of the story: It's hard to play video games when your organization members have the timing of you mom.

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**Well, not too bad. It just came to me. And seriusly, that's what my mom acts like. Review please. **

**Next Chapter:**

**Pink Bunnies and Pictures**

**Starring Itachi and Kisame, and with a special guest, Sasuke! Yea! **


	5. Pink Bunnies and Pictures Special

**Pink Bunnies and Pictures**

It was never supposed to end that way. It wasn't suppose to be a hard mission at all. Itachi and Kisame were given a simple task. Well, simple for an S-ranked criminal anyway. Assassinate one of the fire countries leaders,it's just said leader had gotten smart. He, being rich, had highered and army of ANBU. There was no way just two S-ranked shinobi could come out without a scratch.

Kisame hadn't gotten it all that bad, a minor concussion, and a few gashes on his arms and legs. Never the less, he had to get his wounds taken care of, or he would die of blood loss. But for the moment, he wasn't worried about any of this. HE would be okay, but ITACHI had gotten it pretty bad.

He was unconscious, with a large concussion, a broken wrist, leg, and several broken ribs. He had also been stabbed through the stomach. Kisame really felt guilty.

"Itachi-san!" Kisame screamed. The Uchiha whirled around, coming face to face with a raised kunai. But right before it could hit its mark, Itachi brought his arm up and knocked it out of the hands of the ANBU that were currently on their tails.

"Kisame, move." Itachi warned. Kisame brought his Samehada up, knocking a nearby ANBU unconscious, even though they just kept coming. Another ANBU dropped out of a nearby tree. "We need to get out of here, Kisame." Itachi continued. Kisame just nodded in response as they both ran towards the edge of the wood. They were going so fast they were surprised when an ANBU dropped down from a tree in front of them. Kisame, being in the front, new this was it for him. The ANBU brought his katana up and began to thrust it forward, and time seemed to stop short. Kisame squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the sharp pain coming from his stomach, but it never came. Slowly he opened one eye. What he saw not only caused him to open his other eye, his mouth dropped open, and he was at a loss for words. He kept opening and closing his mouth like a fish. Taking the seen in.

There stood Itachi, blood fell from the corners of his mouth and the katana was protruding from his back. As for the ANBU, he was already dead on the ground.

"Hey, Fish-head." Itachi wheezed, "Are you going to come help me, of are ya' gonna let me die?" And with that Itachi dropped to the ground, hurling blood.

As soon as Itachi was done vomiting, Kisame hoisted the prodigy over his shoulder in a fireman's' carry and headed off towards the nearest hospital, because, weren't the people the obligated to help anybody and everybody?

Which brings us to where we are now.

Kisame raced along with Itachi over his shoulder. Just a few more milesto the nearest hospital, he just hoped it was used to people coming in with pretty bad injuries. If Itachi died, he would never forgive himself.

But there WAS one TINY little problem: Kisame was starting to get a little dizzy, and if he passed out Itachi was as good as dead.

But it would seem luck was on Kisame's side because as he ran up the next hill, the hospital was in plain sight.

He rushed into the building and up to the receptionist desk. She looked like she was about to die of fright.

"Make sure this man doesn't die." was the last thing that came out of Kisame's mouth before he lost consciousness. The nurses rushed up to the two men lying on the floor and started pulling them apart. Then, they quickly got them to their hospital room where they were hooked up to blood and fluids and about a hundred other things. As soon as the nurses had finally finished bandaging both their wounds, the doctor came in.

"What in the seven Hells is going on here?" The man exclaimed. One of the nurses ran up to him carrying a huge stack of papers. The doctor motioned the other nurses out of the room all of which were empty handed save for one who held a large black cloak adorned with red clouds and a plain navy blue jumpsuit.

"Sir!" the remaining nurse exclaimed "These men, they're S-ranked criminals! Here are their files!" she looked back at the beds. "What should we do with them?" The doctor sighed.

"Treat them for now, but in the meantime contact the Leaf's Hokage and inform her of this."

"Hai." the nurse nodded and ran out of the room.

Kisame woke up to a dull pain, but a throbbing headache. He brought his hand up and pinched the bridge of his nose.

He looked his body over and after determining his condition wasn't that bad, he got up to have a good look around. That was about the time his eyes fell on Itachi.

He was hooked up to all sorts of machines. but Kisame was only worried about the heart rate monitor. It clarified that Itachi was going to be alright. Or at least that's what Kisame assumed. If the Uchiha had a strong heartbeat, he could pull through. Kisame had learned that over the years of his partnership with the prodigy.

The shark-man was snapped from his thoughts when a nurse came into the room. "Oh, you're awake." she murmured, walking over to Itachi. "How did this happen?" Kisame stared at her.

"What happens if I don't want to tell you?" he inquired in a threating sort of way. The nurse said nothing but changed Itachi's bandages and quickly left the room.

Once she left Kisame walked over to Itachi and stood over him as his eyes slowly fluttered open.

"You're awake." Kisame stated. Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Obviously." The Uchiha sat up on the hospital bed causing the covers that were once pulled up to just below his chin to fall onto his lap. Kisame struggled to hold in a laugh. Itachi cocked an eyebrow.

"What, may I ask, is so funny?" Kisame pointed at him and Itachi looked down.

Those idiotic nurses had taken away the Uchiha's Akatsuki cloak and jumpsuit and had replaced them with a hospital gown. Just the gown would have been bad enough, but _no_.This one _had_ to have pink bunnies all over it.

Kisame couldn't take it anymore. He laughed long and hard. Then, he walked over to his bag which was sitting by his own bed. He dug in it till he found what he was looking for.

From out of his bag he pulled out his camera. Itachi's eyes grew wide as Kisame ran over to him and pulled the contraption to blue-tinted (now grinning) face. Itachi would have ran out of the room if not for his broken leg.

"Say cheese!" Kisame called. Itachi just glared at the camera.

"What are you going to do with that?" Itachi questioned. Kisame stared at him like he should have already known the answer.

"Why, send it to your brother of course!"

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Sasuke walked out of the giant Uchiha dojo and down towards the white mailbox sticking out of his front lawn. (**AN** do they have mailboxes?) He flipped through the mail. 

'Bills, magazines, ads, fan mail, letter from Itachi, bills... LETTER FROM ITACHI?' Sasuke flipped back to the plain, white envelope and ripped it open. He pulled out a white piece of paper when something fell from it to the ground. He bent down to pick it up. His eyes widened as he looked at the picture.

There sat a very unhappy Itachi. In a hospital gown adorned with pink bunnies. Sasuke was at a loss for words. So, he opened the note and began to read.

**Dear Sasuke,**

**How are you doing since the last time you saw me? I just wanted to say I'm terribly sorry about all I've done to you. I'm coming home, let's be brothers agai**

(Here there were making it looked like two people had fought to get a hold of the pen the writer was using. Then the handwriting changed dramatically.)

_Kisame, stop being an idiot. Sasuke, none of the above is true. And that picture? If you show it to anyone you're dead, foolish little brother. Now, rip it up. Better yet, BURN IT. That is all._

_Goodbye._

Sasuke was still at a loss for words. He flipped the envelope over and saw something his brother had forgotten. The return address. They were at a hospital just outside Kanoha.

Sasuke ran from the Uchiha dojo to the hospital, stopping only twice.

'Note to self:' Sasuke thought, 'Eat less ramen with Naruto.' Finally the Uchiha burst through the doors and ran up to the secretary.

"Which room belong to the two S-ranked criminals?" Sasuke half yelled.

The secretary was an old woman and she looked up slowly, and the reached for her records.

"Come On!" Sasuke yelled. "One looks like a shark, it's hard to forget!"

"Oh, them? Room 214." She then pointed to the room and Sasuke was off again.

He stopped in front of the door to 214 and pushed it open slowly. Nobody was there.

Sasuke walked over to the bed he had seen in the photograph. On the pillow, a note had been laid out. The note said:

Foolish little brother, did you really think I was that stupid?


	6. Singin' In The Rain

Singin' In The Rain.

"ComeOn, Itachi!" Diedara called.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's idiotic." was the prodigy's cool reply.

"So? It's just you and me!" Itachi's eyes shifted over to the blond.

"Fine." he grumbled. Diedara gave a cry of excitement as the Uchiha slowly got up and rewound the tape to the big tap dancing number. Then he watched it with his sharigan activated, studying every move.

When it was over he paused the movie and preformed the whole routine again for Diedara. When he was finished, the blond was silent for awhile before he responded.

"I really think you could make it big on broadway."

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Okay, not sure if that was supposed to be funny of serious. But i'm not gonna be able to post for awile. I'm goin to camp! WHOOO! Review plz!  



	7. Wait! I Think I Love You!

Wait! I Think I Love You!

It was a quiet day in the woods as the Uchiha prodigy walked slowly through a clearing. When, all of a sudden, out popped...Kisame.

"Itachi-san," he said "I'm hungry, let's get something to eat." Itachi merely nodded and followed the shark man to a restaurant. He had ordered a bowl of ramen from a waitress and was busy waiting, when a girl walked up to him.

She was a short ninja, barely over five feet, with silver almond-shaped eyes1. She also had some sort of animal on a leash. Itachi decided that he didn't like her.

"Hello." she started. "My name is Bri1. This is my pet Me'mmel" Itachi looked down at her pet type...thing.

"What is it?" he questioned smugly. She sighed.

"It's a ninja leopard with laser eyes1! What did you think it was?" Itachi backed away slowly. Keeping an eye on the girl the whole time.

"And exactly what do you want?" he asked.

"I WANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!" (No, I'm just kidding that's not what she says.)

The girl just smiled at him. Slowly, Itachi stood up. Than, he ran away.

"Wait!" Bri cried. "I think I love you!"

Itachi was finally safe. Then he heard the footsteps. He sat up on the bench he was resting on. Around a corner came another girl. She too was walking towards him.

This girl had deep set gray eyes and very short, wavy, fine, apricot-colored hair.1 She too, had a pet.

"Hello," she said "My names Ouinn Blake1. This is my pet Olon1. She's a radioactive insane psychic swan with the ability to walk up walls1!

Itachi got up and walked away.

"Wait!" she cried "I think I love you!"

Itachi was sitting at the very edge of Kanoha when he heard footsteps behind him.

"Let me guess:" Itachi growled. " You have some pet with problems, and you think you love me."

"Yes, how did you know?" Itachi turned around. Something was wrong. There was the pet, but the owner was a man.

**OMG! Sorry that I haven't updated in... Gawd has it been four months? Well, I'm getting used to a new school and new kids but hey! I'm already working on another story! Centered around Sasori which was suggested and is dedicated to Yami Marik's Kitten, So there you go!**

**By the way, I had to reupload this because I forgot to put down what all the ones mean.**

** 1 something I got off of the generator. So yeah! Thank you Mistress DragonFlame!  
**


	8. Puppeteer

Puppet

Sasori hadn't always been a puppet. When he finally did become one, it was a strange transformation. He knew he no longer needed to eat or drink, but sometimes it felt strange to watch Deidara eat and not eat anything either.

He remembered his grandmother and her and her reaction when she came home to him playing with his newly made puppet mother and father. He respected her to the very last moment of his life. She had taught him to be a puppeteer after all, so surely it was a fitting end. Death by the hands of his grandmother, who was using the first two puppets he ever made.

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**WWHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It's short but it'll have to do for now. I can't believe that it's been allmost eight months! crap! if you feel like wrighting a review soley to tell me that i suck i will completely understand. gawd i feel guilty. anyway. i'm gonna try to update more...yeah and make my next stories longer. heehee  
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	9. My Views Spoilers up to Ch 371

**My Views (Spoilers up to Chapter 371)  
**

He had never agreed with them. Their philosophy was more than just a little screwed. Everything for the clan, forget yourself, everything for the clan.

He never got along with his parents. Actually, it was just his father, his mother was a wonderful woman. His dad pushed him, was never happy with where he was. Itachi was also never happy with his strength, but so what? It's more of the basic idea, right? Fathers are supposed to be proud of their sons, no matter the circumstance. His dad was never truly proud of him. Never.

That's why Itachi was so shocked when Konoha blamed those reasons for the murders he committed. '_I mean, how dumb are they?'_ he had thought at the time. He didn't get along with his clan, and he didn't get along with his father. That's nice.

It's hardly a good enough reason to go around killing his entire family.

And even if he were annoyed to the point of murder, he would have just done away with his father and left the village. Problem solved, and a whole lot less of a hassle.

This was what really happened.

When he was a child, he didn't like the duties his clan gave him, and yet, he didn't question or go against them in the least. That is, until he was let in on a few of the clan's dirty little secrets.

It was at one of the clan's meetings. Itachi noticed that some of his relatives were much more fidgety than usual. After the meeting started, they quickly got through all the least important announcements and decisions, until finally the reached the topic most seemed anxious to discuss.

As it turned out, the Rain Village was ruled by a powerful shinobi named Salamander Hanzou. He was ruthless, paranoid, and under the favor of the Uchihas. His family had been sending his aide, in various forms, in return for help in a future plan: the raising of the clan into an even more prominent place in Konoha, (1) possibly as a ruling family.

The news everyone wanted to talk about had been steadily flowing in for a few weeks now. "It had started," mentioned Shisui "When we had gotten news that Hanzou had been murdered." And indeed he had.

A resisting force had arisen in the Hidden Rain, and at its head resided a mysterious man no one seemed to know. The man called himself Pein.

He had single handedly disposed of Hanzou, but surprisingly, he didn't stop there. He continued with his wife, his children, parents, nieces, nephews, distant, unnameable relatives, and finally, business partners.

That meant the Uchihas, and they were all anxious as to if he knew. Everyone talked about it at that meeting, but no one had anything new to say.

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I had gone out on a mission with my new ANBU squad. They were hard on me. I was the rookie, the youngest, the most famous, and from the best family. I don't think they realized how easy it would have been for me to kill each of them one by one.

I met him that night.

His cloak, black and baggy, his hair short and spiked, and more holes in his face than seemed, at first, possible. So this was Pein. I could feel his power radiating from him, and I instantly knew that he was, by far, stronger than me.

I stood, waiting for him to speak or move, or for me to fall over in a heap, bleeding onto the grass below me. Finally, he spoke.

"You're the only one with any potential." I stared. Of course I was the only one, the rest were pathetically weak, I would have come out and said this, but he continued. "So, you I will spare."

i asked him what he meant, what he could possibly be planning. I listened in amazement as he detailed his plan to me. The village, the organization, the demons. World domination.

Now, I remember the Kyuubi attack. I was five when it happened. I had sat, huddled up at home, waiting for the fighting to pass, waiting for my parents to come home. I remembered the effort and all the lives put into stopping the Kyuubi. It was the day Yondaime, Minato, Naruto's father, sealed the nine tails inside his son. His wife, Kushina, dying along with him. I remembered the funerals after the fighting.

When he told me his plans weighed greatly on having all the tailed demons at his disposal I decided something about Pein. He was mental. What moron would seek out the aide of the Kyuubi? I was just about to tell him this when I met the second man.

My own ancestor, who should have been dead by now, was the one whose face dwelled beneath the mask. The Uchiha clan founder, Uchiha Madara.

Pein confessed that they didn't have much time left, but he warned me that on a certain date he would come back to dispose of the last of Hanzou's business partners. My family.

I thought in a rush, coming up with several possible outcomes.

Option one: I don't do anything about it. Consequence: Pein and Madara kill them all, leaving me alive. ( shuddered to think, for I could easily do this myself, and they were both far stronger than I)

Option two: I tell the clan and the village. Consequence: Pein and Madara kill everyone, but including me this time.

But then it hit me.

option number three: Kill them myself.

I quickly sprung into action, voicing my idea before I even gave it a second thought. It was better for all of us this way. Pein and Madara could keep their goals a secret, and through doing so I could also get them to save Sasuke's life. He was so young and didn't even know what was going on. Eventually they agreed.

I spent the next few weeks thinking the matter over, making sure no gaps were left in my plan. I had to make sure that Sasuke's right to live was never questioned by those that granted it. I made sure that in the end the effects of what I did would make Sasuke ever stronger. Strong enough until he could be of use.

By now everyone knows what happens next. I kill Shisui for the mangekyou, I kill my family, I hurt Sasuke. i can never forgive myself for it either.

It's been years and I'm virtually Madara and Pein's personal lapdog, along with everyone in Akatsuki. I run errands, I fight for them, I'm forced to support their insane cause.

I'm stalling for time now, trying not to be too obvious. I give vague, not useful information. I put off going to go get the Kyuubi. I let Naruto escape and I never complain if another member wants to have a go at the Kyuubi or at Sasuke. It's a non-suspicious way to get rid of members, because the less there are, the easier my task will be. Besides, it's not as if any of them stand a chance against either Naruto or Sasuke now. I have to hurry though, because I can't keep this up forever.

I'm constantly waiting on the day when Sasuke will be able to prove himself to me. The day we put a stop to this ridiculous plan. The day I can get rid of the people who made my life a living Hell. the day when I'm free. The day I get my life back. The day I can go home.

The day i can set things straight.

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**(1) I just made up a reason here.**

**Well I haven't updated in forever. Yeah. I have no idea when I'll update anymore, maybe a lot, maybe never. Who knows. I hope you liked it. This is what I think might have really happened, based on the information I have now. Itachi is NOT EVIL! **

**Edit: I know it's not funny, but I just wasn't in a funny mood writing this, in fact I was about to pass out I was so tired. Sorry if anyone was hoping for funny.  
**


	10. That Belongs in a Garbage Disposal

**That Belongs in a Garbage Disposal**

They were both freaks of nature, in Kisame's mind and when that came from him, it was serious. He was a blue-skinned shark man, for Christ's sake.

He stared across the table in disgust as the aptly named 'Zombie Twins' bickered back and forth. The Akatsuki had gathered at a quiet inn in order to plan their pernicious plots (a pastime that Kisame usually found quite soothing) when Hidan and Kakuzu decided to argue over their favorite topic: God or money? ("Isn't that what everyone wants to know?" Kisame mused inwardly). But they were going overboard tonight.

From the corner of his eye, Kisame could see Itachi shift to look at the clock on the wall, an expression of mild annoyance plastered over his features. Kisame's eye followed, proceeding to take in the position of the minute and hour hands. Could that really be the time? The zombie boys had been bickering for nearly two hours. The shark man could barely believe it. It had felt like so much longer. He spared a glance around the group of fearsome criminals. Sasori was staring at the leftover dinner in the middle of the table with longing while, beside him, Deidara was already asleep, his head resting on his arms. The newcomer, Tobi, was amusing himself by poking the blond in the head with his chopsticks, apparently to see if Deidara was dead or not. Kisame rolled his eyes.

He was pulled away from his observances by a small click such as silverware makes when dropped onto a porcelain plate. Kisame lazily turned his head to face the sound and, ultimately, Itachi and felt his eyes widen.

The Uchiha was fuming, his fist clamped around the spoon he had, until recently, been using to eat from his bowl of soup. His black eyes were boring holes into Hidan and Kakuzu who seemed to be perfectly oblivious. Kisame watched as those eyes flinched a little each time Hidan let loose one of his colorful swear words. The blue man chuckled. Itachi was raised with such remarkable manners. Sure, the kid could torture and kill you without breaking a sweat but, by god, he would do it politely.

A smirk made its way over Kisame's face as he watched the young Uchiha's fist clamp down even harder on his spoon, bending it backwards in his fury.

"Alright there, Itachi-san?" Kisame whispered. "What did the spoon ever do to you?" The young man ripped his eyes away from the bickering undead, sparing a glance at his partner before landing on his still clinched fist. His lips bent themselves into a small scowl. Then, in a display that was uncharacteristically childish, Itachi swiftly tossed the offending spoon across the room. Kisame tried desperately to hold in a laugh.

"I'm quite sure I have no idea what you mean," Itachi replied, his voice calm and falsely innocent.

"I gotcha, Itachi-san: there is no spoon." The Uchiha nodded, his eyes once again focusing on the could be old-married-couple.

The fighting was getting louder and it only took a few minutes of uninterrupted listening before Itachi let out a murderous growl. In seconds he had grasped Hidan's own scythe and swung it across the table, cleanly separating the man's head from his body. With one short, triumphant laugh Itachi rushed to the other side, picking the head up by the hair before the zombie's body could grab it.

"What the hell, Itachi?!" Hidan cursed. The Uchiha brought a kunai knife from within his cloak, a look of mild insanity worming its way over his features.

"That's not going to kill him," Sasori sighed, exasperated. Itachi glared at the puppet master before heading over to the kitchen sink. He contemplated it for a few long seconds before looking over at Kisame and Sasori.

"And what if I stuffed it down the garbage disposal?" he began. "Do you think that would work?" Kisame cackled as Sasori shook his head sadly. Such was the miserable fate of evil child prodigies; they all cracked eventually.

"Possibly," Sasori sighed, "but I don't recommend it. We do actually need him for our plans. You know, world domination and all?" Itachi nodded shakily, his eyes still a tad wild.

"Fine then," he said. Kisame watched the young man as he stomped outside. Out of curiosity, the shark man let himself take a peek out the window. He watched as Itachi lugged the head to the edge of the nearby forest and disappeared inside. A minute or so later, the genius returned, one head lighter.

"I'd like to see him find it now," Itachi smirked.

"He will eventually, you know."

"I don't see how," the Uchiha mumbled. "He can't see it because he doesn't have any eyes. He can't call to it; his mouth's on it. He couldn't hear it even if he could because his ears are with it too. Not to mention the fact that he can't do much thinking about it; his brain's inside it." Sasori shrugged, no match for the Uchiha's reasoning.

Itachi sighed contentedly, once again taking his place at the table. All was comfortable for a few minutes before Kisame felt murderous rage emanating from his partner. Kisame rolled his eyes, tracing the prodigy's line of sight straight back to Tobi who was still poking the unconscious Deidara.

"Buffoon," Itachi growled. Kisame chucked.

"I don't know, the kid was beginning to remind me of you. Are you sure you aren't related? I _think _I see a sort of family resemblance."

"There's still a vacant spot in the garbage disposal. I'm sure your head would fit."

"Gotcha, Itachi-san. No relation at all."

* * *

**Huzzah for Matrix references! :) (I'm sorry, I had to.) There's also a Shel Silverstein poem about a boy that loses his head. I read it and began to think of Hidan, so there you go.**

**Well I haven't updated in about two years and, I hate to break it to you, but I think this will be the last chapter. As I'm sure you've realized, Kishimoto's getting a bit death happy on the poor Akatsuki members. That, and I'm just not that funny of a person. Any previous chapters that made you laugh were a fluke, I assure you.**

**So there you go. It Started With a Jumpsuit and ended with a Garbage Disposal. I hope you enjoyed it. I tried to make the last chapter on the longer side, just for the occasion.  
**


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